Are You in a Toxic Relationship Without Realizing It?

It’s easy to think we’d never fall into an unhealthy relationship. We tell ourselves, I’d never put up with that, or I’d see the signs right away. But toxic relationships don’t always start with obvious red flags—they often creep in slowly, disguised as love, passion, or even care.

I used to believe I could always tell a “good” partner from a “bad” one. I thought I knew what a healthy relationship looked like—until I found myself in a situation that drained me, made me second-guess my worth, and left me constantly trying to fix something that wasn’t mine to fix. Looking back, I can see the signs I ignored, the moments I excused, and the ways I convinced myself it wasn’t that bad.

So, how do you know if you’re in a healthy relationship—or one that’s slowly wearing you down?

A major indicator of an unhealthy relationship is how you feel when you're in it. A relationship should be a source of safety, love, and support—not something that leaves you feeling drained, anxious, or constantly on edge. Of course, no relationship is perfect, and challenges are inevitable, but feeling emotionally exhausted more often than uplifted is not normal. Love should nurture and energize you, not deplete your sense of self. If you find yourself constantly tense, second-guessing your words or actions, or feeling like you're always bracing for the next conflict, it's time to take a deeper look at the dynamic you're in.

Another red glag in a relationship—and one that should immediately make you pause—is feeling guilty for having boundaries.

Boundaries are essential in any healthy partnership. They create mutual respect, emotional safety, and personal autonomy. But in a toxic relationship, setting a boundary is often met with guilt-tripping, manipulation, or even punishment. Instead of respecting your needs, your partner may accuse you of being selfish, distant, or unloving. They might say things like, “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t need space,” or resort to silent treatment when you assert yourself.

Over time, this can make you question whether you even have the right to set boundaries at all. You may start to prioritize their comfort over your own well-being, afraid that any attempt to protect your energy will be met with conflict. But here’s the truth: healthy love respects boundaries instead of seeing them as a threat. If someone makes you feel guilty for asserting yours, they are more interested in control than connection.

Another toxic behavior to watch out for is a partner who refuses to take accountability and instead, shifts the blame onto you—no matter the situation.

If they hurt your feelings, rather than apologizing or taking responsibility, they might dismiss you by saying:
❌ “You’re too sensitive.”
❌ “You’re overreacting.”
❌ “If you hadn’t done X, I wouldn’t have reacted that way.”

This pattern of deflection, gaslighting, and blame-shifting can leave you questioning your own reality. You might start over-explaining yourself, apologizing constantly, or walking on eggshells just to avoid setting them off.

Over time, this emotional exhaustion can lead to self-doubt, confusion, and guilt for things that aren’t your fault. But in a truly healthy relationship, both partners take responsibility for their actions, acknowledge their mistakes, and work toward change—without using shame or blame as weapons.

If your partner never takes responsibility and always makes you feel like the villain, it’s not love—it’s emotional manipulation.

These are just a few signs of an unhealthy relationship, but the truth is, toxic behaviors can show up in countless ways. If you’re feeling unsure about your relationship and wondering whether it’s truly healthy, I’ve put together a checklist and reflection questions to help you gain clarity. It’s questions that I wish I would have reflected on when I was in an unhealthy relationship. Please look at the next section carefully, it’s important to check in with ourselves regarding our relationships.

Is Your Relationship Toxic? A Checklist & Questions to Reflect On

If you’re unsure whether your relationship is unhealthy, this checklist and set of reflection questions can help bring clarity.

Toxic Relationship Checklist

✔️ You feel drained rather than energized after spending time with them.
✔️ You often walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting them.
✔️ They dismiss or belittle your feelings instead of trying to understand.
✔️ They make you feel guilty for setting boundaries.
✔️ They manipulate you with guilt, silent treatment, or emotional outbursts.
✔️ They twist your words and make you question your own reality.
✔️ They make you feel like you’re always the problem, even when they’re in the wrong.
✔️ They control aspects of your life—who you spend time with, how you dress, or what you do.
✔️ You feel isolated from friends and family because of the relationship.
✔️ You constantly feel the need to prove your worth to them.
✔️ Their love feels conditional—when you meet their needs, they’re kind, but when you don’t, they’re cold or cruel.
✔️ You feel like you’re in a cycle of highs and lows—things get bad, they apologize, things seem good for a while, and then the cycle repeats.
✔️ You feel anxious, uncertain, or on edge more often than you feel happy and safe.
✔️ You’re afraid to be honest because you don’t know how they’ll react.
✔️ Your self-esteem has dropped since being in the relationship.

Questions to Ask Yourself

1. Do I feel safe, respected, and valued in this relationship?

2. Do I feel like I can be myself, or do I constantly adjust my behavior to avoid conflict?

3. When I bring up concerns, do they listen and try to understand, or do they dismiss, blame, or turn it back on me?

4. Do I feel guilty for expressing my emotions or setting boundaries?

5. Am I the only one putting in effort to maintain peace and connection?

6. When things go wrong, do they take responsibility, or do they always find a way to blame me?

7. Do I feel more anxious than happy in this relationship?

8. Have I lost touch with friends, family, or hobbies because of this relationship?

9. Do I feel like I’m constantly excusing or rationalizing their behavior to myself or others?

10. If I were giving advice to a friend in my situation, what would I say?

If you checked multiple items on the list or answered “yes” to many of these questions, it’s important to reflect on whether this relationship is truly serving your well-being. A healthy relationship should feel safe, mutual, and supportive—not like something you have to survive.

💡 I’m Here to Help 💡

I know how confusing, painful, and exhausting it can be to navigate relationships that don’t feel quite right. If you’re struggling to gain clarity, set boundaries, or break free from unhealthy patterns, let’s talk.

👉 Book a discovery call with me and let’s explore what’s really going on in your relationship. You deserve love that feels safe, reciprocal, and fulfilling. Let’s take the first step together. 💛

If this resonated with you and you’re ready to step into a healthier, more aligned love life, visit my website for more resources, coaching options, and support on your journey.

Let’s create the love life you truly deserve. 💕

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