The talking stage is where most of my clients say they "lose themselves." Why is it easy to lose yourself at this stage? Because it’s confusing! It's not quite a relationship and it’s not just dating either. It's the weird in-between where you're invested but not official. Hopeful but not sure.
And it's the stage where anxiety does its best work.
How It Usually Goes:
You meet someone. Maybe it's through a dating app, maybe it's through friends, maybe it's someone you met in the wild (rare, but it happens). There's a spark. Chemistry. That feeling of possibility. So then begins the talking stage.
At first, it's fun. Natural. You're both responsive. You're both present. But then (and this is where it gets tricky) the momentum shifts. They take longer to respond. The texts get shorter. The conversations get less frequent. Orrr maybe nothing changes, but your nervous system decided it did.
And suddenly you're:
Rewriting texts 10 times before sending
Checking their Instagram activity obsessively
Analyzing their punctuation (does the period mean they’re mad?)
Wondering if you should text first or wait for them to reach out first
Losing sleep over a text that never came
Questioning everything you said
Feeling like you're not enough
And the worst part? You know you're doing it. You can see yourself spiraling. And you can't stop. That my dear friends, is the talking stage spiral.
Why It Happens:
Your nervous system is activated because you're in the uncertainty stage. You don't know if this is going somewhere. You don't know if they like you enough to make it official. You don't know what you are. And your brain hates uncertainty.
So it tries to solve the problem by overthinking. By controlling. By analyzing every word looking for clues.
Maybe if I say the right thing, he’ll commit.
Maybe if I text at the right time, she'll stay interested.
Maybe if I'm chill enough, he won't leave.
But here's the truth: you cannot think your way into security with someone. You can only feel it. And right now, you're too much in your head to feel anything real.
The Practice That Changes Everything:
So here's what I want you to do the next time you're in the talking stage spiral:
The "Who Am I Without Them?" Check-In:
It's not about controlling the text. It's about checking in with yourself.
You notice you're spiraling. Maybe you're waiting for a text, or they took 3 hours to reply, or they’ve been "busy." Your nervous system is activated.
Stop. Put the phone down. And ask yourself this one question: "Who was I before this conversation started? What was I doing? What was I excited about?"
Go do that thing. Right now. Not as a distraction. But as a real reminder of who you are outside of him.
Maybe it's calling a friend and actually being present with them.
Maybe it's working on that project you've been putting off.
Maybe it's moving your body, creating something, or just sitting with a coffee and remembering who you are.
While you're doing that thing, notice: How do I feel right now? Calmer? More grounded? More like myself?
Now ask: "Does this feeling depend on them texting me back? Or can I access this on my own?"
The answer is usually: you can access it on your own.
When (or if) they text, you'll respond from a place of wholeness, not desperation.
What you're doing here is inserting a pause between impulse and action. That pause is where the magic happens!
Because in that pause, your nervous system can regulate. And you get to choose your response instead of being controlled by anxiety.
The first time you do this, it might feel weird. Restrictive even. But after a few times? You'll realize something:
You feel more like yourself. You're not losing yourself in the talking stage anymore. You're staying anchored.
And when you stay anchored, everything changes. You stop chasing. You stop overanalyzing. You stop accepting scraps of attention!
You become someone who knows their worth.
One More Thing:
If you're reading this and thinking, "Mariana, this sounds good in theory, but I don't know how to actually do this. I don't know how to regulate my nervous system. I don't know what I'm actually looking for in a partner. I don't know why I keep choosing unavailable people"
That's exactly what we work on together in my 12-Week 1:1 Program.
We don't just talk about the theory. We rewire the actual patterns. We identify where this comes from. We rebuild your relationship with yourself so you stop looking for a man to validate you.
Talk soon,
Mariana 🤍
